I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
