I wish I could teleport
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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