So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
