I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
