Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
