You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
