let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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