i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
