Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
