i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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