masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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