My friends, they love my intelligence
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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