so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
time to smoke my breakfast
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
