Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I need moral support for this bender
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
