Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
we're so committed to being not committed
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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