I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
