My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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