The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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