Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
