the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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