I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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