Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
