Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
