why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It's no shave November. This is our time.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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