i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
