is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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