i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
