so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
