I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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