It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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