He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
