beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
