an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
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I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
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I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"