I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
