If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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