Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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