I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
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My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
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Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
why is half of my head shaved?
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