My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Hippo gnu deer
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
