Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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