Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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