nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
