I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
