im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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