my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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