I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I think weed is turning my hair brown
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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