Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
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So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
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He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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