I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
