Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
