the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
