i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
