I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
