look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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