If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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