I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
