Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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