hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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