I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
